It's October again

My experience with OCD

Around this time last year, I was deep in an OCD spiral that ended catastrophically. Time may have softened the edges around that memory, but it still hurts to think about sometimes. Which is why it surprised me when I felt something tugging at me to speak about it recently, to open up about my experience with OCD as a whole. I think it means I’m ready, for the first time ever. So, here goes.

If you’re struggling with OCD or any other hidden battle, I hope you know that you are not alone. You are not your thoughts. And you are so, so loved.

Last October

It began with a trigger — as all the episodes do. What followed was the return of an intrusive thought, one in which I was convinced I’d done something horrible and needed to “confess” to someone from my past. For weeks, I relentlessly gathered reassurance from friends, the internet, the universe, you name it. At some point, I decided I’d gathered enough. I would do it — reach out to someone I hadn’t spoken to in a year and let it out. It was the right thing to do. I was sure of it.

When I look back, the scariest moment in any spiral is when OCD finally gets its way. When the logical voice in my head shrinks away, having tried in earnest to be heard for too long. A false sense of peace and resolve now upon me, OCD smiles smugly, admiring its fine work. Before I’ve had a chance to decide otherwise, I’m in its grip, following its orders. 

And so, I reached out. I remember feeling like the world was breaking around me. Within minutes, it was abundantly clear that this was not the right thing to do. I’d lost sight of how hurtful me reaching out would be, no matter the reason. I’d lost sight of any other world but the one in my mind. I felt like I’d been slapped, shocked back into reality, where I was met with the stark consequences of my actions. Everyone suffered. Even OCD didn’t win.

The beginning 

The first intrusive thought, the one that changed my life forever, arrived in 2019. I was 19. Despite being extremely disturbed by it, I brushed it off as an anomaly and moved on. But summer 2020 swung around, and the thought came reeling back after a TV episode triggered it. All at once, I was consumed by the belief that I was a monster, that I didn’t deserve to live. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat. The thought felt so shameful and taboo that I didn’t dare tell a single soul, even those closest to me. I felt completely and utterly alone, for weeks on end.

This photo is from August 2020, one of the worst times in my life. You’d never know it, because mental illness truly does not have a look, nor is it always visible.

What ultimately saved me, as unbelievable as it sounds, was a TikTok on my For You page. For the first time since my struggle started, I saw someone else speak to the exact thought I had. Immediately, relief flooded my body. I was okay. I wasn’t a monster. There was a word for what I was dealing with — obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD. It can make you doubt your identity, your reality, really everything under the sun.

This marked the first step in my healing journey. To the girl who made that TikTok: thank you. Because of you, I saw light.

The people

Time passed, but OCD still had a stronghold on me. At the very least, it was just that one thought, right? Right — until it wasn’t. The next major spiral is the one I reference in the beginning. It was the first time OCD had grabbed onto something that didn’t just involve me, but someone I loved too. Despite knowing I had a disorder that warped my sense of reality, I was convinced this time was different. This time, my brain was right: I was truly evil. Again, I didn’t tell anyone. I was utterly convinced that if I did, I’d have no one left. That the thoughts in my mind would be proven right.

In April of 2022, I took the biggest risk of my life. To this day, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Unable to bear the weight of it all alone anymore, I FaceTimed my best friend. I stalled for almost the entire call, nervous beyond measure, but eventually it bubbled out of me.

I cried as I told her my fears, shame flooding my body in waves. I still remember how confused and concerned she looked. She didn’t view the situation with such gravity, nor did she think I was a horrible person. Thinking she just didn’t fully understand, I explained it over and over, but she assured me she did. Her belief in my goodness was as unwavering and unrelenting as my fear and self-loathing. In many ways, she set me free that day. As long as I had her love, everything would be okay.

Cynthia, my best friend, and I — this past summer :)

People have always been everything to me. My loved ones, therapists, and kind strangers helped and continue to help me through my darkest moments, sometimes even unknowingly. It’s the big things, like opening up to my best friend and receiving unconditional love. And the little things, like my younger brother indulging my silly TikTok video (included below, because it’s adorable) back in the summer of 2020. He didn’t know then that his small kindness gave me the glimmer of hope and joy I desperately needed to keep going.

Where am I now?

If there’s one thing I hope to convey in this piece, it’s that this is not a hopeless story. I’m happy to say that over the last 4-5 years, OCD has lost some of its power over me. There was a time when I thought my suffering was endless. That there was no way out. But there was. There is. I promise. I’m doing so much better now.

With the encouragement of a friend, I got help in 2022. I started Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) through a mental health service called NOCD. ERP was both intense and often unpleasant (but for good reason)— you’re intentionally exposing yourself to the things you fear most, refusing to engage with a mind that wants immediate black and white answers for everything. Looking back, ERP got me through the worst of it. If you’re struggling immensely with OCD, I can’t recommend it enough.

This isn’t to say I’m cured — OCD is still something I deal with every day. I’m still in therapy, but I’ve learned how to be more compassionate towards myself, allowing the intrusive thoughts to come and go. I don’t let them determine my worth anymore. I believe I am a good person more often than not. And more than anything, I now know I am stronger than I once gave myself credit for. 

A message to all

If I can ask one thing of you, it’s to please be mindful of how you speak about OCD. Lack of representation in the media and society has painted a very narrow picture of OCD for many of us, leading to widespread and common sayings like “I’m so OCD” or “my intrusive thoughts won.” But these sayings only further the stigma, and make it more difficult for those who are truly struggling to get help. Misinformation gets us all, but we can create change by choosing to speak and act differently.

OCD is a serious disorder that leaves people feeling hopeless, alone, and broken. If you know or love someone with OCD, or you just want to learn more, I urge you to do so. I’ve left resources and links below ❤️

I want to end with this: If you are struggling right now, with OCD or otherwise, I see you. I see how hard you’re working to keep going. I love you and I’m so, so proud of you. 

We’re in this together, you and me. Always.

All my love,

Michelle

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Resources

Informative content:

What is OCD? | NOCD — a good run-down of OCD, including specific subtypes people often struggle with if you’re curious to learn more

Get To Know OCD — a podcast series from NOCD in which people share their stories and experiences; you might even see some familiar faces!

Instagram accounts:

NOCD (@treatmyocd) — NOCD’s Instagram account; fun, digestible videos and posts about OCD

Alegra Kastens (@alegrakastens) — licensed therapist and queen of taboo OCD content; she’s been such a saving grace for me in my journey

Chrissie Hodges (@pureochrissie) — one of the best resources on Pure O, a type of OCD that’s all mental; such a wonderful and fun personality!

OCD Excellence (@ocdexcellence) — great, digestible infographics about OCD

Self-help content:

The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD — have personally used this book and really loved it! could be used on its own or in conjunction with therapy

Your Anxiety Toolkit with Kimberley Quinlan — also listen to this one quite a lot; find it very calming and helpful; focuses a lot on self-compassion

Songs/books/movies with great OCD rep:

Tiny Dictator by Sophie May — i mean, just wow. sophie may is one of the bravest singer-songwriters ever, because this one cuts right to the bone

Turtles All the Way Down by John Green — read and enjoyed this one! fun facts: john green himself has OCD + the movie adaptation for this is out!

How to Hide in Plain Sight by Emma Noyes — recently ready this and felt incredibly grateful for the existence of a book that tackles taboo thoughts; hard to read at times, in the best way, because of how seen I felt