Portrait of a blank slate

The unknown of new beginnings

Hi friends,

Long time, no see! So much has changed since my last post — new job, new place, new…me? More on the third one later. I’ve taken a step back from writing over the last few months, mostly because I’ve been grappling with what to say and how to say it. In a digital world that already feels so busy, adding mine into the mix felt futile if it wasn’t “valuable” in some way.

But this kind of thinking quickly devolved into not sharing anything, so let’s not do that. A reminder to myself (and anyone else who needs it): Your perspective colors everything you create — this alone makes your work unique and valuable. Keep creating and keep sharing.

You might be wondering: why is this post titled “Portrait of a Blank Slate?” Admittedly, it was partly artsy indulgence, but there’s also a story behind it. “Blank slate” is the phrase I’ve been using to describe how I’ve been feeling lately. And “Portrait of a Blank Slate” is a song I came across on Spotify.

In the spirit of musical inspiration, I wanted to try something new: each section of this piece is paired with a song I like that abstractly connects to the theme. Hope you enjoy :)

Blank slate as new beginnings

Since starting my new job, I’ve settled into a comfortably monotonous routine. So comfortable that my hobbies and goals began to slip, one by one. Soon enough, I became more autopilot than human. I’d look around and see that my days were reduced to working, eating, sleeping, scrolling my phone, and the occasional nature walk.

Don’t get me wrong, I love stability and structure. It’s part of what keeps me sane and grounded. That said, not being intentional about adding variety to my life only led to me losing myself. I moved through the world feeling like a blank canvas, yearning for color but unable to lift my paintbrush off the table.

Blank slate as the absence of chaos

There’s something I’ve realized recently: I have nothing to actively overthink or obsess over. You mean to tell me chaos is no longer an active agent in my life? As someone who’s quite fond of focusing outward instead of inward, this is awful news. 

But seriously: when the self-destructive habits have faded, when certain people are no longer in my life, what do I do? When the original blueprint for my life disappears, what do I turn to? My instinct is to turn back towards chaos, but I know better now. It only serves as a distraction, and it keeps me stuck. I wish it were easier to choose better when you know better.

Blank slate as good ol’ fear

Maybe the thing is — I don’t feel ready to abandon the blank slate. For the first time in a long time, I’ve stopped asking myself “Am I changing?” because it’s abundantly clear that I’m on the precipice of the change I’ve so desperately been seeking. 

And it’s not the glamorous, self-help, wellness type of change. It’s a lot of uncomfortable feelings, reckonings, and a whole lot of patience for myself. Is this 24? Is this how your mid-twenties are meant to go?

Maybe it’s just life. The thing is, when I leave my little ego bubble once in a while, I see it. Every single one of us has walked this path, is walking this path, or will. We’re all on our own journeys, yes, but they run parallel to each other. Sometimes, they even intersect.

The verdict? I am changing. But also, we’re all changing together. There’s something wonderful about that.

Blank slate as pride

I’m writing this last section a day later, after a brief moment of surprising, unadulterated pride. It feels fitting that it would come to me in June of all months.

The thing about feeling like a blank slate is that the present and future are unknown, but the past is bright and clear. All at once, I saw how much I’ve grown over the last few years. Between advocating for myself more often, battling with my mental health, doing the hard things even when they hurt, and pushing myself to try new things — I’ve done a lot. And I don’t recognize that enough. But right now, at this very moment, I’m really proud of myself. I hope you’re proud of yourself too. We’ve come a long way.

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Thank you for reading ❤️ Really. It means a lot that you took some time to read the thoughts tumbling through my brain.

I’ve intentionally left this piece a bit unfinished, because that’s where I’m genuinely at. This self-portrait, as all of ours are, is constantly evolving. I don’t know what’s next, and I’m still carrying that blank slate, but it feels a little lighter now. Cheers to that :)

See you soon,

Michelle